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A · Room · Without · a · Door
Like a Puddle With no Reflection
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I've created a new LJ. The sloppiness and weird baggage of this one were starting to get to me and discourage me from updating. Periodically, I just need to start fresh. Add me and I promise to try to be more interesting more frequently ;) www.livejournal.com/~humancolour |
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The cast list went up today. I'm Alice, who I'm told is the lead female but the scripts haven't come in yet so I can't be sure. The best part is that my character is the fruit of Apoorvaa's character's loins so we'll finally get to interact on stage the way God intended. It'll definitely be cool to be acting again, but of course I'd rather be working under Griebel, who I saw today, by the way. We're also getting started really late. Rehearsals start October 9 and we go up November 17 and 18. Apparently this play requires a huge set and tons of props, and she's seriously overestimating our stagecrew's abilities. It also looks like we'll be working without scripts for a few days, since they were just ordered yesterday... I just want to read the thing! Today in AP English we went on a poetry walk in the woods. Tomorrow we're having class at Perkins to watch people for inspiration. Simila loves us. After school Apoorvaa, Nicole and I are kicking off estrogen weekend '06 at Applebees because men suck and I caught my period from Nor. |
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It seems like forever since I updated here. I guess since I got facebook I've been posting my little fragmented thoughts there, which made me realize I don't have much else to say. I'm getting really frusterated with everything. I've been realizing lately how few loyal friends I have. I haven't had the energy lately to go out of my way to initiate things the way I used to, so certain people have just kind of faded away. Is it my job to initiate everything? Fortunately, the few loyal friends I'm left with are quite amazing... It's actually kind of nice to have a really intimate group now. Completely the opposite of the way senior year is supposed to be, but nice. School, of course, is completely insane, and college stuff is starting to really bear down on me since I need to get two of my apps in this month for early action. I just can't figure out what to do with my Chicago essay. I had what I thought was a brilliant idea, wrote the introduction, and have been stumped for the past 3 weeks. Each weekend I tell myself I have to finish it, stare at it for a while, then close it and say next weekend for sure. I'm beginning to think I should choose a new topic. The Griebel thing is still a big mess. We're getting a different story from everyone, everything from "he'll be back tomorrow" to "you'll never see him again." That's a slight exaggeration, but seriously, everyone has different information. Even Mr. G himself seems to be telling different people different things. Long story short, they found someone to direct the fall play, "You Can't Take it With You." We just learned on Friday that auditions will be tomorrow and tuesday, and all we were given was a little packet of a few short scenes that will be auditioned. I hate that I can't actually read the play first. Time to work. I still appreciate my few remaining readers, and miss hearing from you guys.
Jukebox: |
Father Lucifer (Boulder '96)~ Tori Amos | |
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I changed my mind. It's not okay.
Girl: |
 hurt | |
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They fired him. They fucking fired Griebel. I'm in shock... I don't understand what the fuck just happened. When I got to the board meeting, he was already standing up there giving his appeal, crying in front of a bunch of frigid-looking assholes. He was talking about all of his contributions, especially the drama club, and how sorry he was to everyone he let down. He talked about how his wife is unemployed on disability, and his grandson (who he takes care of) was just diagnosed with ADHD. I also know that he supports his mother-in-law. He compared the feeling of not being able to work to being in a perpetual state of having just been hit by lightning, not knowing whether you're going to live or die. He sat down when he was done, and they put it to a vote. All I heard was the word "termination," and a bunch of people saying "aye." Then it was over. I didn't even know what had happened. I caught his eye and he just looked so broken... then I knew. It was all over in a matter of a few minutes, then they moved on to the next issue. Termination? what the fuck? I hadn't even known that was an option! I thought it was whether he'd be suspended for a full year or just a semester. I don't even understand what's happening. As we were walking out he came up and gave each of us a hug, and I was realized I was sobbing. We talked out in the hall for a while and he said something about talking to Davey up at the calumet theater about still doing plays up there. I wasn't even really thinking about that... how can he still do plays for no pay with all the other shit he's got on his plate now (not to mention the fact that he's enrolled in useless classes at MTU)?? He took down our numbers and said he'd be in touch. I can't reconcile this in my mind. We're trying to get together a petition... but we don't have all of the facts. I'm not even really thinking about the future right now. I'm just thinking about what a horrible experience that was. How can I exist in that fucking school for the rest of the year like this? |
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I've been hiccupping for about 7 hours on and off now. Apoorvaa says this means someone's remembering me. That's a nice thought. Almost takes my mind off the muscle spasms. Everything around me charged. It thrills me. It terrifies me. It makes me sad. I feel empowered. I feel weak. And now I will either pound out a fucking amazing essay for my UChicago app... or stare blankly at the screen for an hour. There's no happy medium. Ever. In life.
Jukebox: |
Walk to Dublin~ Tori Amos | |
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I survived the first week of Senior year. My classes are challenging, but I’m at least mildly interested in all of them, so the work is bearable, unlike previous classes in previous years *cough* FST. The Griebel thing is still a mystery and it’s still getting me down, but I’m just so damn curious by now that it’s hard to dwell on any other emotions about it. All we know is that there is conclusive evidence that he is currently enrolled at MTU. Robert called him the other night, and apparently Greebs said “it will all become clear soon.” Let’s hope so. In the mean time, I’ve been bugging Simila about the fate of the drama club, and it turns out she minored in theater herself, and said something about directing The Crucible for us, or at least supervising it. That’d be fuckin’ weird, but at least we’d still get to do it, and I actually have no qualms with her. I’d even go so far as to say that I’m enjoying AP English. So I’m staying busy, at least, which is the most important thing to me at present. The college application process continues to be overwhelming, especially since Clark refused to see me about it all last week. You’d think the office would learn that when they’re careless about scheduling and make really random mistakes, they’re going to hear from the students and end up with more work than it would take to just do it right in the first place. She’d better see me Monday, though, because I want to get these applications out SOON. One thing I know is that I can’t keep allowing myself to be distracted by petty emotional issues, which is eternally difficult, especially when people can be so fucking blind. I find that I automatically censor these entries now that they’re being sent to facebook, where they are then broadcasted to everyone and their mother… It’s better to be vague, though, any way you look at it. Nicole, Apoorvaa, and I were supposed to go see Hollywoodland today, but apparently it didn’t come up here. I was really looking forward to having impure thoughts about Adrien Brody too. Instead we’ll probably rent the next installment in the inconceivably brilliant Leprechaun series. |
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So last night was fun, and by "fun" I mean mass chaos. I headed out to the car to go to Kate's birthday party at 6, only to find the battery dead. My mom, of course, was livid, as I had used the car last so it had to be something I had done, though nothing was on and neither of us could figure out what killed it. We waited for Carl to show up and jump it (yes, we have 2 cars, but my mom couldn't FIND the battery in the other one), before I could finally head to the party. I left Charlotte's house around 8:30 to go babysit for Nicole. I was to pick the kids up from her stepdad's wedding reception, drive them to their house, which is way out near Freda, put them into bed, and watch TV while I waited for their parents to get home. I was assured that they would pass out from exhaustion in the back of the car, so all I'd have to do would be carry them to bed. This was not the case. Only one of the 3 fell asleep on the ride, and was promptly woken by her brother screaming "EMMA!!! GET UP!! WE'RE HOME!!!" I then chased them around for about an hour, trying to get them into their pajamas. At this time, the youngest two decided that they missed their parents terribly and proceeded to cry, scream, and have tantrums on the floor. While I was attempting to console them, the eldest began climbing around on the counter, looking for something to eat. Suddenly the other two were all smiles at the prospect of yogurt. After snack time, having finally caught on to the fact that I was being manipulated horribly, I decided to take a stand. I got them all into bed, but they seemed to be adamently against actually sleeping. I agreed to read one story, and by the time the Little Mermaid got her voice back, they were finally out. Of course I couldn't figure out how to work the satellite TV, so instead I productively worked on my UChicago essay, which is actually pretty interesting. I have to pretend I'm hosting a tea party, and explore who I would invite, and the kind of conversation that could take place. I chose Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain, and Vincent van Gogh, which has the potential to be really fascinating, I'm just not sure about my ability to actually execute it. Anyway, I was told that the parents would be home shortly after midnight. At 1 am, I was still waiting, and received an extremely angry phone call from my mother, as if there was something I could do about the fact that they were late. She also seemed to be trying to freak me out as much as possible about the fact that I would be driving home so late, by reminding me that I'm not insured (her dumbshit idea, not mine), not technically supposed to be driving after midnight (though I believe coming home from a job is an exception), and would probably hit a deer. When the parents finally got home, I had the most nerve-wracking driving experience of my life, and got home around 2 am. Never again.
Girl: |
 tired |
Jukebox: |
Sugar ~ Tori Amos | |
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It was so fucking weird being back at the school today. Lately I've been feeling almost excited about going back and doing the senior thing, but the smell of school hit me as I entered and I started to suffocate. And when I saw all the rising underclassmen, rather than feeling superior and untouchable, I just felt isolated and alone... It got better as time went on, though, and being there with my wonderful friends helped a great deal. When I first got my schedule they had me down for AP Biology rather than Online French (yeah, I can see how you could get those two confused). Pretty much every other person I talked to had equally random problems with their schedule, so we went to talk to Mrs. Clark. We waited for about a half hour before we decided it'd be better to go do our school shopping at Walmart and come back later to talk to her. It turns out we were mistaken, because when we got back the room was full of people and this time we had to wait over an hour before we got to talk to her, and of course doing so was not very helpful. She fixed my schedule, but I had also come to pick up a packet on the National Merit Scholarship, since Simila had informed me that I'm officially a semi-finalist (:D), and she told me she hadn't had a chance to look through it yet, and probably wouldn't until after the first week of school. Knowing her she'll make me miss a deadline or something. I also wanted to arrange a meeting with her to talk about applying to colleges (not to mention get her started on my recommendations), and I had wanted to start sending them out pretty much right away, so this is going to delay that too. We had fun shopping, though. Apoorvaa and I decided that our mental health is more important than saving a few bucks on school supplies, so we got pretty stuff. I bought an acid trip folder for AP English and a carebear pen, which I'm incredibly excited about. So, whatever... I can totally do this school thing one more time. Here's my final schedule, hopefully (unless clark decides to put me in weight and cardio instead of physics or something) AP English
Physics
Online French
Study Hall
Political Science
AP Chemistry
Choir Now I just need to make the most of this last week. I have to go back and add/tweak some stuff for my AP English assignment (and my log is already 19 pgs long), review for AP Chem, and get pretty much squared away on applications. I've decided that UM and UChicago are definitely my two top choices, Mich State is somewhere in the middle, and Western's my safety school, though if it works anything like the way it did for Kristy, I should have a few random schools offer me free rides so that's something I'll have to consider. These entries have been pretty one-track lately. I suppose anything's better than angst. I really was going through a rough patch about a month ago, in retrospect. |
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last night was pretty awesome in a bizarre way. tommy and I were wandering around and trying to find something to do and calling random people. finally we decided we wanted to go swimming down by the docks behind super 8. We didn't have swimsuits so we went in our underwear (despite a disturbing number of people in the vicinity), and then had to go commando for the rest of the night. after swimming, we decided to go visit maddy, who always makes me smile. we wanted to make a cake once we got there so we went on an econo run and bought funfetti cake/frosting. we also grabbed nor at some point. we all ate so much frosting while we were waiting for it to bake that we weren't very hungry for the actual cake, but it was a nice thought. it was almost 1 by the time we left maddy's, then we headed to finlandia to visit helmi at leadership school. the plan was to sneak into the guys' room and chill, but the others decided they didn't want to let us in, so we grabbed helmi and courtney (who's a trip) and went to walmart to get underwear cuz tommy and I were still lacking it and I was sleeping at his house. THEN we were in the mood for swimming again so we went down to princess point and went skinny dipping. It was 3 by the time we returned them to FU and we got a scare because there were a couple calls from the other girls and we thought they might've done room checks... but they hadn't. I got like 2 hours of sleep at tommy's and have just been trying to regroup for most of today, not doing a whole act of Henry IV like I said I would. I did majorly pimp out my phone, though, because my cable came in the mail and I finally got it to work. I call that productive. and now I want more cake. we leave for NYC in 2 days, so you probably won't hear from me for a week or so.
Girl: |
exhausted |
Jukebox: |
She's Your Cocaine (live)~ Tori Amos | |
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"Where is kissing? Where is walking in the rain and having peanut butter and jelly together and going, I don't need any more than this. I mean, in my mind, I usually don't think about fucking a guy. Or a woman, for that matter. For me, it's always about having peanut butter and jelly, and then kissing them. If you asked me what I'd like to do right now out of anything else in the whole world, there's just this one person that makes me feel really good. And I don't want to have a relationship with this person, but I would just love to kiss them. It's not about cheating on anybody. That kills me that if you're with someone, you can't have a moment with someone else." ~Tori Amos |
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eyelids bloom invasive light flows into pits of refraction like molasses. a steering wheel drumbeat, rancid papermill smell, the perfect nothingness of closed eyes inflitrated by scenes of suburban hell. you can tell I love going to indiana. my grandma's house reeks of cat piss, and all she ever seems to do is talk about dying. it's so. fucking. hot. I'm quite proud to be nude at the moment. and this damn heat is making me break out on my chest, which I've never had a problem with before. we should have a "so fucking hot" party... like go swimming at the beach, then buy a tub of ice cream and chill in my basement. see? I can make lemonade.
Girl: |
 hot | |
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I told myself I'd go to bed at 1 then 2 then stopped caring I really don't know what to do about anything anymore. I feel so badly about myself most of the time... I'm so vain, yet so insecure. and I'm starting to realize that I usually take any good qualities I may have and turn them into something ugly. Like using my intelligence to take on a holier-than-thou attitude, when I don't actually feel holier than anyone. I feel so angry about everything, yet too weak to take a stand on anything, like I'd crumble to dust at the first sign of confrontation. The worst part is that I can't seem to channel these emotions into anything worth a damn. So many masterpieces result from intense pain, yet all I seem to be able to do with mine is force it to the back of my mind while indulging in some sort of vice, then feel guilty about it later, and worse than when I started. Yesterday I walked over 2 miles because I couldn't seem to stop eating when I sat still. Why is it so difficult for people to just be happy? It doesn't seem like a big thing to hear someone say "I'm content." But really, it's colossal, because it's so rare and temporary. Is it really the weekend already? What did I do all last week? I told myself I had one week. But does it count if I don't remember it? a flicker...
drowned. |
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I feel shitty on pretty much every level. It felt so good to just sleep last night (and well, for once), and now it's too hot to do, or even care about anything. But my mom's got me running around everywhere, cleaning up imaginary dirt, even though I spent all yesterday evening cleaning for her. I hate that she's home now. I love living alone... it doesn't even freak me out anymore, and when she's here she suffocates me. friday night was fucked up... I don't know how much of that I should get into here. probably not much, suffice to say that it turns out I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. and THAT is what freaks me out. yesterday was good, though. we had a cake day, which I've decided needs to become a regular thing.
 last night I started to feel myself sinking again, so I went for a bike ride, at the end of which I jumped in the canal fully clothed, and for those 30-some minutes I felt amazing. of course this morning my mom bitched me out for the wet clothing hanging in the shower. everything's overwhelming me right now. I just want a way out... and I don't want to think anymore.
Girl: |
hot |
Jukebox: |
rilo kiley-- portions for foxes | |
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studies show that midnight
is the only time to run
to what- it doesn't matter
the question is, what from?nothing to pull you out of a funk and into a frenzy like 4 cups worth of coffee concentrated into 1 and a run in the middle of the night where one is hit on by college guys smoking weed on the corner. I think I'm starting to learn to function on a very small amount of sleep, which is crazy cool. I gained 5 pounds, so I think I'll lose 10. I kept a lame journal on the trip, but I think transfering it here would be unnecessary, so I'll just post the few mediocre poems I managed to turn out, and the pictures if I ever get to wally world. I'm thinking about riding my bike there tomorrow, though I'm sure there'd be more walking involved than riding. we'll see. I'm really spastic right now, so everything stupid sounds like a good idea. somehow I missed the moment
the landscape turned to dust
i'll admit sometimes this hurts me
but the operative word is 'must'
while they scream and they cry
and they starve and they die
there's just this tiny crack in my life
a crack so tight the record still plays
and I can promise you- it's not the same
but my flesh still aches sometimes
and the real thing's so far away
ribosomes and garden gnomes
anything but tonight today.
sometimes it's all pretend
moreso every day
sometimes all I know is real
is a word I darenot say
distracted from the source
from the fucking life force
nothing is beautiful, not anymore.
~
It appears I've lost the signal
and everything that's real to me
but the mountains seem to whisper
sometimes the realest of the real
is that which can't be seen
a suffocating quiet
echoes through the trees
but maybe in this seismic silence
for the first time
I can truly breathe
bright, metallic smiles
mean everything today
but I know tomorrow all will fade
back to pavement,
back to gray
just open up your eyes, they say
to a world in which you don't believe
of mangy beasts and sundance priests
who need us like
we need the plague.
~
Custer's last oblivion
so here we stand
where we had and have
no right to be,
I'm reminded with every step.
just three pictures left
with which to steal
3 more pieces of the soul.
~
Prey
one man to protect you
from the missiles of eternal dark
the Book is really heavy-
I'm sure it'd leave a mark
everyone will pray today
it's really not a choice
dragged by chains of obligation
this is not my voice
the Word can deflect bullets
can cure disease, can warm the cold
that's why the world is perfect
so save some fucking souls.I finished the Fountainhead, and I think it made me weird. Now I'm reading Lolita, which makes me feel dirty, and I read Perks, which wasn't bad for it's genre. Not much progress was made on Henry IV, however. official trip tracklist: first day of my life -Bright Eyes Lovesong -the Cure braille -Regina Spektor mrs. jesus -Tori Amos tombigbee -Tori Amos Crossbones style -CatPower Cloud blood -Ani DiFranco Out of Range -Ani DiFranco Venice Queen -Red Hot Chili Peppers Zephyr Song -RHCP Angel's punishment -Lacuna Coil Pancake -Tori Amos Indian Summer -Tori Amos
Girl: |
 high | |
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Yeah... so much for fewer pointless entries. Exam week doesn't count. Besides, it's national kill an emo kid day, that deserves some acknowledgement, right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaqdWblgmeM&search=emo%20kid so 06/06/06... yes, the antichrist is risen, and it has taken the form of a chemistry exam. I was so fucking prepared for that thing. too much so in many aspects. Then these crack-ass DA problems show up, unlike any we've done before... I came up with some sort of answer for them, though. So I guess we'll see. It's really hard to care right now. EDIT: Nevermind, I got an A. go ahead, roll your eyes. I've been spastic ever since I got home because I couldn't get on the internet (I think yahoo's just having issues... it happens sometimes). Finally, I figured out how to set up a temporary connection and got on... only to find junk e-mail and nothing particularly special waiting for me. It was kind of a wake-up call. I seem to have the idea in my mind that if I'm not online, I'm missing out on life, when of course it's quite the opposite. I don't even know what I do half the time when I'm on, or where the time goes, but it's certainly not spent on anything earth-shattering. Tomorrow I have goverment and psych exams. I'm stressing over gov't because I hate social studies and for some reason the info just doesn't stay in my head. Not really sweating psych, on the other hand, since today he read most of the exam to us in class. Then Thursday it's FST. Oh, fuck. FST. I don't even know what I'm going to do about that exam. And I need to get at least an A- on it for my semester grade to be an A-. I also need angels to fly out of my ass. We won't even talk about college writing. Woodford's a facist. Then, I'm officially done with my Junior year of High School. I'll have an amazingly awesome summer, a bombastic senior year, then go away to college where I'll find my niche and meet a deep, intellectual type who looks good with his shirt off and writes me poems, and live happily ever after. It's good to be naive. I must be emo.
Girl: |
 cynical |
Jukebox: |
Joga ~ Bjork | |
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You crash the party looking for beer I'm afraid I'm the only one intoxicated here The balloons stay suspended and move through the air looking for something incredibly near. Yeah... this was supposed to be a deep poetry entry... but then the poem started sucking and I don't feel like thinking of rhymes anymore so from now on it's word vomit. Maybe I'll finish the poem later. Graduation was insane. I didn't know whether to cry or shout at the top of my lungs "WE'RE FUCKING SENIORS, BITCHES!" (well, I knew not to do that because there were grandparents everywhere, but you get it). My whole response to high school has fluxuated so much over the years. Freshmen and Sophmore years I was so angsty about the whole thing. I remember the first two weeks of school I felt like I was going to vomit/cry pretty much constantly. Then by this year I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I chilled about it a bit. Then things started going really well (which I think was actually mostly a result of my attitude change). Drama's been awesome, I love my friends, and I seem to finally have mastered the skill of blocking out obnoxious people. So then I actually started getting depressed and freaked out about the prospect of leaving (I get upset when a teacher changes a seating arrangement, how can I move 500 miles away and have my sad little world turned upside down?) THEN I saw how happy all the seniors were to be gone and got really jealous... which is pretty much where I'm at now, but it's still bizarre. I have issues. I put so much into small things, and it seems I constantly need to be obsessing over some... thing to feel complete. Maybe it's not in vain, though? Just distract me.
Girl: |
 weird | |
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Top 10 Reasons I Love it when my Mom is out of Town1. Girlscout cookies for breakfast 2. buying leopard-print boxers and eyeliner with "food money" 3. being able to take my dog for a walk at 9 pm wearing said leopard-print boxers 4. Crusing all over the keweenaw with nicole for 5 hours 5. what homework? 6. her bed is more comfortable (and cleaner) than mine, and she has a TV in her room. 'nuff said. 7. REALLY. LOUD. MUSIC. 8. I get to be a slob for once. seriously, the house is a disaster. 9. no bed time 10. waffles for dinner  just cuz it's cute.
Girl: |
 hyper | |
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Opening night, baby! I'm starting to get excited. We'll be starting in exactly 1.5 hours. This is a pointless entry, I'm just really bouncy right now. Yeah, our set is pathetic, people were still screwing up lines at the dress rehearsal and we didn't have half the props last night... but it should be fun. It sounds like people are actually coming to this one too, including mi padre y abuela. Got my ACTs in the mail. 31, I'm pumped. Last year I got a 29 and I was pretty pleased with that. So the SATs can suck it. I did really awful on the essay though, for some reason... but hopefully no one will care since it isn't even figured into the overall score. *bounces around*
Girl: |
 anxious |
Jukebox: |
Flying Dutchman~ Tori Amos | |
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There's a lot of green stuff coming from my face. It'd probably be a lot more difficult to convince me to stay home if I didn't have big-time senioritis (junioritis?) and actually gave a shit about school right now. I am still really sick, though. I think I gave it to my mom and I'm worried about her because she's flying to Cinncinnati to buy a car tomorrow and then driving it home (yeah, it's crazy. don't get me started...) and this illness isn't exactly easy to function with. I think my body may be made up of 45% green tea by now.
Girl: |
 diseased |
Jukebox: |
Dolphin~ Poe | |
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kplightningseed's journal