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Like a Puddle With no Reflection

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I've created a new LJ. The sloppiness and weird baggage of this one were starting to get to me and discourage me from updating. Periodically, I just need to start fresh. Add me and I promise to try to be more interesting more frequently ;)

www.livejournal.com/~humancolour

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The cast list went up today. I'm Alice, who I'm told is the lead female but the scripts haven't come in yet so I can't be sure. The best part is that my character is the fruit of Apoorvaa's character's loins so we'll finally get to interact on stage the way God intended. It'll definitely be cool to be acting again, but of course I'd rather be working under Griebel, who I saw today, by the way.

We're also getting started really late. Rehearsals start October 9 and we go up November 17 and 18. Apparently this play requires a huge set and tons of props, and she's seriously overestimating our stagecrew's abilities. It also looks like we'll be working without scripts for a few days, since they were just ordered yesterday... I just want to read the thing!

Today in AP English we went on a poetry walk in the woods. Tomorrow we're having class at Perkins to watch people for inspiration. Simila loves us. After school Apoorvaa, Nicole and I are kicking off estrogen weekend '06 at Applebees because men suck and I caught my period from Nor.
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It seems like forever since I updated here. I guess since I got facebook I've been posting my little fragmented thoughts there, which made me realize I don't have much else to say.

I'm getting really frusterated with everything. I've been realizing lately how few loyal friends I have. I haven't had the energy lately to go out of my way to initiate things the way I used to, so certain people have just kind of faded away. Is it my job to initiate everything? Fortunately, the few loyal friends I'm left with are quite amazing... It's actually kind of nice to have a really intimate group now. Completely the opposite of the way senior year is supposed to be, but nice.

School, of course, is completely insane, and college stuff is starting to really bear down on me since I need to get two of my apps in this month for early action. I just can't figure out what to do with my Chicago essay. I had what I thought was a brilliant idea, wrote the introduction, and have been stumped for the past 3 weeks. Each weekend I tell myself I have to finish it, stare at it for a while, then close it and say next weekend for sure. I'm beginning to think I should choose a new topic.

The Griebel thing is still a big mess. We're getting a different story from everyone, everything from "he'll be back tomorrow" to "you'll never see him again." That's a slight exaggeration, but seriously, everyone has different information. Even Mr. G himself seems to be telling different people different things. Long story short, they found someone to direct the fall play, "You Can't Take it With You." We just learned on Friday that auditions will be tomorrow and tuesday, and all we were given was a little packet of a few short scenes that will be auditioned. I hate that I can't actually read the play first.

Time to work. I still appreciate my few remaining readers, and miss hearing from you guys.
Jukebox:
Father Lucifer (Boulder '96)~ Tori Amos
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I changed my mind. It's not okay.
Girl:
crappy hurt
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They fired him. They fucking fired Griebel.

I'm in shock... I don't understand what the fuck just happened.

When I got to the board meeting, he was already standing up there giving his appeal, crying in front of a bunch of frigid-looking assholes. He was talking about all of his contributions, especially the drama club, and how sorry he was to everyone he let down. He talked about how his wife is unemployed on disability, and his grandson (who he takes care of) was just diagnosed with ADHD. I also know that he supports his mother-in-law. He compared the feeling of not being able to work to being in a perpetual state of having just been hit by lightning, not knowing whether you're going to live or die. He sat down when he was done, and they put it to a vote. All I heard was the word "termination," and a bunch of people saying "aye." Then it was over. I didn't even know what had happened. I caught his eye and he just looked so broken... then I knew. It was all over in a matter of a few minutes, then they moved on to the next issue.

Termination? what the fuck? I hadn't even known that was an option! I thought it was whether he'd be suspended for a full year or just a semester. I don't even understand what's happening.

As we were walking out he came up and gave each of us a hug, and I was realized I was sobbing. We talked out in the hall for a while and he said something about talking to Davey up at the calumet theater about still doing plays up there. I wasn't even really thinking about that... how can he still do plays for no pay with all the other shit he's got on his plate now (not to mention the fact that he's enrolled in useless classes at MTU)?? He took down our numbers and said he'd be in touch.

I can't reconcile this in my mind. We're trying to get together a petition... but we don't have all of the facts. I'm not even really thinking about the future right now. I'm just thinking about what a horrible experience that was. How can I exist in that fucking school for the rest of the year like this?
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I've been hiccupping for about 7 hours on and off now. Apoorvaa says this means someone's remembering me. That's a nice thought. Almost takes my mind off the muscle spasms.

Everything around me charged. It thrills me. It terrifies me. It makes me sad. I feel empowered. I feel weak.

And now I will either pound out a fucking amazing essay for my UChicago app... or stare blankly at the screen for an hour.

There's no happy medium.

Ever.

In life.

Jukebox:
Walk to Dublin~ Tori Amos
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I survived the first week of Senior year. My classes are challenging, but I’m at least mildly interested in all of them, so the work is bearable, unlike previous classes in previous years *cough* FST. The Griebel thing is still a mystery and it’s still getting me down, but I’m just so damn curious by now that it’s hard to dwell on any other emotions about it. All we know is that there is conclusive evidence that he is currently enrolled at MTU. Robert called him the other night, and apparently Greebs said “it will all become clear soon.” Let’s hope so. In the mean time, I’ve been bugging Simila about the fate of the drama club, and it turns out she minored in theater herself, and said something about directing The Crucible for us, or at least supervising it. That’d be fuckin’ weird, but at least we’d still get to do it, and I actually have no qualms with her. I’d even go so far as to say that I’m enjoying AP English.

So I’m staying busy, at least, which is the most important thing to me at present. The college application process continues to be overwhelming, especially since Clark refused to see me about it all last week. You’d think the office would learn that when they’re careless about scheduling and make really random mistakes, they’re going to hear from the students and end up with more work than it would take to just do it right in the first place. She’d better see me Monday, though, because I want to get these applications out SOON.

One thing I know is that I can’t keep allowing myself to be distracted by petty emotional issues, which is eternally difficult, especially when people can be so fucking blind.

I find that I automatically censor these entries now that they’re being sent to facebook, where they are then broadcasted to everyone and their mother… It’s better to be vague, though, any way you look at it.

Nicole, Apoorvaa, and I were supposed to go see Hollywoodland today, but apparently it didn’t come up here. I was really looking forward to having impure thoughts about Adrien Brody too. Instead we’ll probably rent the next installment in the inconceivably brilliant Leprechaun series.
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So last night was fun, and by "fun" I mean mass chaos. I headed out to the car to go to Kate's birthday party at 6, only to find the battery dead. My mom, of course, was livid, as I had used the car last so it had to be something I had done, though nothing was on and neither of us could figure out what killed it. We waited for Carl to show up and jump it (yes, we have 2 cars, but my mom couldn't FIND the battery in the other one), before I could finally head to the party.

I left Charlotte's house around 8:30 to go babysit for Nicole. I was to pick the kids up from her stepdad's wedding reception, drive them to their house, which is way out near Freda, put them into bed, and watch TV while I waited for their parents to get home. I was assured that they would pass out from exhaustion in the back of the car, so all I'd have to do would be carry them to bed. This was not the case. Only one of the 3 fell asleep on the ride, and was promptly woken by her brother screaming "EMMA!!! GET UP!! WE'RE HOME!!!" I then chased them around for about an hour, trying to get them into their pajamas. At this time, the youngest two decided that they missed their parents terribly and proceeded to cry, scream, and have tantrums on the floor. While I was attempting to console them, the eldest began climbing around on the counter, looking for something to eat. Suddenly the other two were all smiles at the prospect of yogurt.

After snack time, having finally caught on to the fact that I was being manipulated horribly, I decided to take a stand. I got them all into bed, but they seemed to be adamently against actually sleeping. I agreed to read one story, and by the time the Little Mermaid got her voice back, they were finally out.

Of course I couldn't figure out how to work the satellite TV, so instead I productively worked on my UChicago essay, which is actually pretty interesting. I have to pretend I'm hosting a tea party, and explore who I would invite, and the kind of conversation that could take place. I chose Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain, and Vincent van Gogh, which has the potential to be really fascinating, I'm just not sure about my ability to actually execute it.

Anyway, I was told that the parents would be home shortly after midnight. At 1 am, I was still waiting, and received an extremely angry phone call from my mother, as if there was something I could do about the fact that they were late. She also seemed to be trying to freak me out as much as possible about the fact that I would be driving home so late, by reminding me that I'm not insured (her dumbshit idea, not mine), not technically supposed to be driving after midnight (though I believe coming home from a job is an exception), and would probably hit a deer.

When the parents finally got home, I had the most nerve-wracking driving experience of my life, and got home around 2 am.

Never again.
Girl:
tired tired
Jukebox:
Sugar ~ Tori Amos
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It was so fucking weird being back at the school today. Lately I've been feeling almost excited about going back and doing the senior thing, but the smell of school hit me as I entered and I started to suffocate. And when I saw all the rising underclassmen, rather than feeling superior and untouchable, I just felt isolated and alone... It got better as time went on, though, and being there with my wonderful friends helped a great deal. When I first got my schedule they had me down for AP Biology rather than Online French (yeah, I can see how you could get those two confused). Pretty much every other person I talked to had equally random problems with their schedule, so we went to talk to Mrs. Clark. We waited for about a half hour before we decided it'd be better to go do our school shopping at Walmart and come back later to talk to her. It turns out we were mistaken, because when we got back the room was full of people and this time we had to wait over an hour before we got to talk to her, and of course doing so was not very helpful. She fixed my schedule, but I had also come to pick up a packet on the National Merit Scholarship, since Simila had informed me that I'm officially a semi-finalist (:D), and she told me she hadn't had a chance to look through it yet, and probably wouldn't until after the first week of school. Knowing her she'll make me miss a deadline or something. I also wanted to arrange a meeting with her to talk about applying to colleges (not to mention get her started on my recommendations), and I had wanted to start sending them out pretty much right away, so this is going to delay that too.

We had fun shopping, though. Apoorvaa and I decided that our mental health is more important than saving a few bucks on school supplies, so we got pretty stuff. I bought an acid trip folder for AP English and a carebear pen, which I'm incredibly excited about.

So, whatever... I can totally do this school thing one more time.

Here's my final schedule, hopefully (unless clark decides to put me in weight and cardio instead of physics or something)

AP English
Physics
Online French
Study Hall
Political Science
AP Chemistry
Choir

Now I just need to make the most of this last week. I have to go back and add/tweak some stuff for my AP English assignment (and my log is already 19 pgs long), review for AP Chem, and get pretty much squared away on applications. I've decided that UM and UChicago are definitely my two top choices, Mich State is somewhere in the middle, and Western's my safety school, though if it works anything like the way it did for Kristy, I should have a few random schools offer me free rides so that's something I'll have to consider.

These entries have been pretty one-track lately. I suppose anything's better than angst. I really was going through a rough patch about a month ago, in retrospect.
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last night was pretty awesome in a bizarre way. tommy and I were wandering around and trying to find something to do and calling random people. finally we decided we wanted to go swimming down by the docks behind super 8. We didn't have swimsuits so we went in our underwear (despite a disturbing number of people in the vicinity), and then had to go commando for the rest of the night.

after swimming, we decided to go visit maddy, who always makes me smile. we wanted to make a cake once we got there so we went on an econo run and bought funfetti cake/frosting. we also grabbed nor at some point. we all ate so much frosting while we were waiting for it to bake that we weren't very hungry for the actual cake, but it was a nice thought.

it was almost 1 by the time we left maddy's, then we headed to finlandia to visit helmi at leadership school. the plan was to sneak into the guys' room and chill, but the others decided they didn't want to let us in, so we grabbed helmi and courtney (who's a trip) and went to walmart to get underwear cuz tommy and I were still lacking it and I was sleeping at his house. THEN we were in the mood for swimming again so we went down to princess point and went skinny dipping. It was 3 by the time we returned them to FU and we got a scare because there were a couple calls from the other girls and we thought they might've done room checks... but they hadn't.

I got like 2 hours of sleep at tommy's and have just been trying to regroup for most of today, not doing a whole act of Henry IV like I said I would.

I did majorly pimp out my phone, though, because my cable came in the mail and I finally got it to work. I call that productive.

and now I want more cake.

we leave for NYC in 2 days, so you probably won't hear from me for a week or so.
Girl:
exhausted exhausted
Jukebox:
She's Your Cocaine (live)~ Tori Amos
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